ive made a terrible mistake.

i decided tonight i would get regular coffee.  not decaf ( my normal leaf and bean beverage of choice after 5PM.)

i thought it would help me.  Now all i can do is giggle and stay awake and not work.  i plan on wasting the next 3 hours of my life.  this means i finally get to blog.  Note: i do not want to waste time, but i simply understand that i likely won’t do anything productive again tonight. I’m not sure if the issue is caffeine at night or if the issue is that i’ve been working since 8AM (its 10:24PM) with a break for mom’s dinner she made (God bless her for her grilled chicken and for fresh peaches, which saved me from a hot pocket before i began my hw.)

that was long.  time for an update.

Work, as you know, has offered me an extra 1000 dollar bonus if i can just work 36 billable hours every week til end of september.  Problem is, many things i do at work (such as meetings/emails/documentation) are not billable.  So i’ve been working 36 billable hours a week but a total of 55 hours a week. Last week I even traveled to albany to meet with a client for a few days.  i felt grown up and watched cosby (my normal plan when i get a hotel room to myself.  why do people do anything else when cosby is on and the whole room is created AROUND a big bed?)

School is killing me, truly.  This week we have an hour long presentation to give in addition to a 100 page paper (marketing plan), which is currently somewhere around 0 minutes and 5 pages.  I am also working on a project and presentation for a separate class, but its smaller (still group project, still overwhelming.)  here’s the kicker.  After maintaining an A so far, ( i think this course is more work than the past 4 courses ive taken combined..literally…i refuse to give up now and WILL get 100 pages done by friday.  The two 35 page papers were only 20 percent of my grade, each.  20 percent more is my FINAL.

if you’re reading this, im not sure why. i think  in 3 years when i look back and read these, i’ll stop reading this one by now.  But if you ARE reading, check it out. if we finish our 2 projects by friday, it’s great–since i am traveling to a bachelorette party friday night in poughkeepsie (near NYC hours away).  Saturday = wedding.  sunday is a drive home.  My final presentation that needs to be perfect after all this work all summer?  it’s being given me on friday night to be completed by sunday.  This is bad.

Church is wild.  I think I may end up at Father’s house and its blowing my mind because i began going there initially because i wasnt loving the attendees as i ought to and was judging the church itself.  Now i love it there and am learning a lot.  Every week i plan on going to Grace Church (which i love and in which my family and church family worship..) and i end up driving south, not north..towards FH.  I think that God is doing things in both places-but i cant stand missing whats going on at FH.  i think what id like to do is to keep getting up and getting to both (9 AM and 10:45). Problem: it makes it hard to fellowship at FH after service. (i finally got to meet people on Sunday and hang out after service and it was amazing.)  All this to say, being the last one to leave church is never my idea of a good sunday afternoon (i am usually hangry (hungry and angry) by 12:30 and want to go eat and NOT BE SHAKING HANDS ANYMORE.  But i left at like..1:30 sunday and couldve hung there longer praying, meeting and greeting new people.  If you’re reading this as one of my Grace Church family members/prayer warriors…i miss you all a lot.  pray that God provides me with wisdom and grace to get up early and come to both if that’s his will!  🙂

Africa stuff: i finally broke down and just sobbed to my dad for a few minutes on saturday about the stuff situation.  you all know what’s going on.  I brought back four suitcases of stuff i do not have time to sell for people in Kenya.  I told them it’d be this way–but now theyre getting impatient.  they email daily, have people call me, threaten me and ask friends to facebook me about the things i am to sell/money i should be sending.  i guess if i dont send the money they need, then all the kids wont have a home anymore and the pastor of their church and the family i love so much will be out on the streets.  that or theres some untruths being overcommunicated to me.  either way, i can take work/school stress and 4 hours of sleep a night but this explodes all of it into a big messy mess of desparation and discouragement.  i decided to just buy the stuff from them so i can buy myself some time.  i dont expect to even sell 1/2 the stuff (ever) but im sending them a couple thousand dollars.  worst part is–even though im sending them 2k (my savings) they’re not going to be happy because in their emails they expected more, around three thousand.  this thing is really eating me up because it was such a stupid, expensive mistake–not immoral, just unwise.  I need to pray for the spirit’s guidance before i agree to help with projects, and this is an expensive way to learn it.

i think part of the reason i am discouraged is because i heard that in africa, people are being raised from the dead and the church is growing at a rate of 1 new church every eight minutes, and healings are regular occurrences and God is really moving. Then when i got there, i met amazing people, but a large majority were a lot like the church here, but with more deception, detestation, manipulation, and inequality.  i explained this the other night to my “other mom and dad,” annette and randy and randy said, “oh sorry, becca, you went to africa and you found PEOPLE THERE.”  lol.  it made so much sense after–it’s like…stop griping because you have to work with other imperfect humans-we’re still on earth and it’s time to accept that God uses us in this imperfect state.  everywhere i go (esp my own mirror) there are HUMANS who screw up!  we cant just church hop and country hop and be bop around looking for better people — we all screw it up and God forgives.  That said, africa is a mess and my decision to buy 4 suitcases of stuff for 2k is nasty.  I miss it terribly and would return tomorrow if God allowed me to.

i apologize for the boringness of my blog currently. things i saw that were exciting recently:

a.) jason barber almost hitting a guy with his car downtown because he (the guy) ran out while being chased by like 10 cop cars.  i wouldve hit him i bet, jay stopped SO quick. way to go!

b.) bomber’s burrito bar in albany (YAY).  well, it was exciting for ME anyway, and i ate tacos while watching HOOK.  (funny note: my boss laughed as i quoted stuff like “RUN HOME JACK, RUN HOME JACK” and “dont let your arms get tired!” then i found out later he’d never seen the flick before.   made me wonder why he laughed at all the inside jokes.)

c.) finally finished the office in its entirety.  this does NOT belong on the exciting list.

d.) saw kristin and gartley get married.  it was beautiful.  gartley looked a little like peter pan in the after-pictures.  babies marrying babies!

e.) hannah and i hang out all the time now because when i take a 20 minute break to come up for air from my work some nights, we walk around the block or giggle around together.  i love her a ton and she is getting…long and old…and generous (we’re planning a sisdate after the quarter is up).  her new length is quite weird.  reminds me of when i was her age and her height but my feet were the size they are now.  broke a lot of toes.  spent one summer walking around slamming my feet into stuff, which is not recommended (usually painful).

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “ive made a terrible mistake.

  1. “I miss it terribly and would return tomorrow if God allowed me to.” lol 🙂 go way!!! Ha ha am kidding

    Your post is long I cant concentrate on all but I got this thing about Africa and I have to say that I really appreciate the honesty of your feelings … am really sorry for what has happened lately I wish you had introduced me to them [people in Kenya] coz I could talk and explain to them ur situation….. will u work?, go to school?, Or sell stuff , and expect to have ur own quality time ..is there anything I can do ??? Please le mi know ..i can talk to the pastor …I think its very very unfair to threaten you
    I wish I knew the whole situation well coz in some cases there is a way out the Government through the CDF [community Dlpmt Fund] can chip in to help I think its unfair you stressed were as there is a lot of funds in but in selfish hands only noise need to be done to them to give out ..n-way I don’t wanna go political …the problem in Africa is that almost all people don know their rights so easily cheated and manipulated …. you should know that in Africa when they see a MZUNGU they thing he is from heaven and will change their lives and has millions of shillings to give they don’t have information well they thing USA is heaven where u get all u need and if ur not helping then ur refusing ..its lack of info but they are amazing people tho’..thats why they fight day and night to attach themselves to a white or will die to go to America or Europe or whatever place …Hollywood plays the trick
    For know don’t worry about the mistake u did Bec, we all start by making them me too I have done severally that’s how u mature ….no shortcuts in life , u were trying to help and exited and happy bout it ..look at the good side u did all u could and God will reward you mightily ..now don’t you worry about what people will think don’t sweat to to be pushed to give all ur savings and you don’t want …just relax breathhhh innnnn and ouuuuuut apologize and do one thing at a time tell them to be patient after all you were doing it for Gods glory and He understands ……u can never please all people you will die of exhaustion and frustration …so now will you put all that behind you write an email say you are really sorry and not able to sell them as they expect and you will be sending what ur able …and that’s it
    Just make sure you are not giving your savings that’s mistake coz you are only pushing the problem further [later in life] work on your budget and keep money for giving and saving aside saving is very very important you better cut from other things in ur budget but not savings ..But smile after all and be happy don’t worry about many things every minute you spend worrying about things you cant do you loose great time of happiness ….

  2. Be blessed and knw christ loves you 🙂

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