I just found out some more stuff this weekend-and its big.
a.) my goal every day should NOT be “live life to the fullest”.
b.) i’m self-centered often.
Let me explain.
Yesterday, i was on my way to hand out coats to homeless folks in Copley Square. I was excited to spend time with church members, and a blizzard was coming. It was a nice start to a holiday weekend.
Uh, then Mom and Dad called. They pleaded with me to get on a bus before the storm arrived. They’d pay the difference (i had planned to ride with Nathan the following day, not leave on a bus in 45 minutes). I struggled to decide, weighing the “church in boston vs. church in chili” and the “i love being snowed in but i miss my family” and the “homeless people need coats but i dont have to do everything”. i really just wanted a hug from both parents, and mom had a great point. i missed “the fathers house” and needed a break. I hadnt started packing xmas presents, my stuff, paying rent, wrapping up boston stuff and getting ready.
After packing everything in 20 minutes (for a two week adventure around the USA, and realizing i packed nothing to wear to a WEDDING in NC), and boarding a bus bound for home, I started thinking about the remarkably hard time i had making that decision. Even though i wanted to see my family so badly, I regretted leaving so much undone, missing the blizzard, and a few other random (and telling) things. Through this all, I realized that I would’ve regretted staying in Boston even more than I regretted leaving. and dad, if you read this, you know im happy here on the couch, right?
What am i talking about? The more i try to get the most out of a day (falling prey most often to this on weekends), the more self centered i get. I can’t be satisfied. I’m just trying to get the best possible memory/photo opportunity/comfort/me-centered thing____insert feeling or emotion or material thing i want here in this little blank:___________. I “live life to the fullest”. This can often involve helping others, (if it fits in and sounds not too painful in my schedule). For example, if we were handing out coats and it was freezing rain–you can believe id not be there (i cant afford to get sick before Christmas!).
The way I make decisions is flawed, not in who i put first (since i often, in the end, put others first). It is flawed because it takes me FOREVER to decide, and after i put others first (or myself first) i regret things and wish i’d done things another way. that can hurt the people i offered to help even more than not helping. Note: not every time, but sometimes.
I am not suggesting we shouldnt make smart, wise, healthy decisions that help us to take care of ourselves. I AM making a point that no matter what we decide–for a weekend, a 50 dollar purchase, a new car, a degree or whatever (notice i did not add spouse the list), its not as big a deal as it seems. Life’s short and we have eternity to “live life to the fullest”. Whether i made it home and went to church and back to a cozy house, or stayed in boston to hand out coats and play in a blizzard–doesnt matter. We have forever to have a way better experience than december in the USA can provide.
don’t believe in heaven? no wonder you guard your minutes the way you do. then please do live life to the fullest. and go to new zealand!